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Also see Mike Burnsisms.

"I'm taking dumps in the sink from now on - that's why I have a garbage disposal" -Resig

"This cigarette tastes like graham crackers....MMMGHARGGHHH" -Matt

"I always had a thing for Jewish girls. [...] But I'm wondering how all of the Nazi materials in my house will go over on that point." - Jared

Jared: If you go into the Everett Best Buy and there's an Asian working the door, be sure to give him a hard time.
Allie: You mean one of those yellow people?

"Everything I want is women's!" - Matt

"I'm a gay, transvestite transexual." -Jared

"Jared totally has Tourette's". - Burns

"I have to admit, I'm intrigued by older women." -Jared

Geneva: I told him that if he wore Spandex then I wouldn't sleep with him.
Burns: We're all mostly interested in the answer to the obvious follow-up question.

Matt: I found it used for $30.
Ted: What, condoms?

"Stop ruining EVERYTHING!" - Matt Horan to Ted Bowman

"OH NO, where did this fan come from!?" - Matt Horan about the motherboard he was reassembling

"We're gonna print our own money, then poop money out of our ass." - Ted Bowman

"screw having guys in the bed, i want the cat!" - Chessie

"I'm gonna fuck Heidi next time I see her." - Moga

"Don't look at me; sometimes my penis pops out" -Dicky

"Mouth explosions make me happy." -Nichole

Jared: "I didn't think it was that funny."
Burns: "Neither did I."
Jared: "Maybe they're delirious from heat stroke?"
Burns: "Yeah. Or stupid."

"It smells like beer... I miss Fred." - Chessie

"For once I'm not lying!" - Matt

"Everyone grab onto my jacket!" - Debra

"I feel so gay when am drunk!" -???

"Yeah, well, that's just one man's opinion."
-- Dicky's dad, responding to the Vatican accepting evolution

"I just want a wrinkly old man." -- Dicky

Dicky: "Put your finger in this ... isn't the texture pleasing?"
Sarah: "Yeah, but the smell is awful."

"Is it because I'm gay?" - Jared

Matt: This sentence is _false_! It's _false_!
Dicky: So is the sentence true?
Matt: No! YES! FUCK!

"WELL, if you're going to be turning off all my stuff I guess I'm only paying 3 weeks of the electric bill?" - Dicky

"I didn't almost get arrested. I didn't do anything wrong." - Dicky