Movie Reviews

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Star Trek Beyond (2016)

More like Star Trek Be-Yawned. The villain in this piece is by far the least developed bad guy in the entire series, and with plot line that's already been used before. A marooned star fleet officer who turns against the Federation? Uhhh guys you already did that one.

Uncle Nick (2016)

This movie is on Netflix for the holiday season. It is a Christmas movie. It's recommended to me in the Christmas Movie section. It stars the slow talking pothead neckbeard from sarah silverman program. This movie was unexpectedly incesty given the lighthearted description, preview, and inexplicable 4.5 star rating. Neckbeard runs a failing landscaping business, which is not very important. But he is invited to his brother's home for xmas dinner, and his plan is to get drunk and bang his niece-in-law. What a guy!!!!!! But he has a change of heart and, as it turns out, another member of the group is already banging the niece.

The Hunger Games (2012)

The film tries to desperately rush through the first book in the Hunger Games series and still clocks in at over 2 hours. Children from different districts in a dystopian future are drafted to compete in a real-life death match because dystopians love that kind of shit. The bad guy cops wear white because white is the universal color of oppression.

Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

Sloth "Hey you guys!" is a human Jazzy for a power-hungry midget. Max battles Sloth in a dome cage in order to satiate justice in this post apocalyptic civilization run by Tina Turner.

Ex Machina (2015)

In this take on Jurassic Park, Dr. Grant creates something far less dangerous than a dinosaur: a robotic teenage girl. But is it?? Is it less dangerous??

Creed (2015)

I saw this movie last night and not a single one of my favorite Creed songs was even in it. It was like a really slow and boring Soul Plane.

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

In this pre-Facebook world, a password can grant you access to much more than just your email account! A doctor infiltrates the Illuminati using disguise and the name of one of the rats from Ratatouille. This movie literally killed Stanley Kubrick.

The Hateful Eight (2015)

Django's all grown up in this sequel, in which he joins a band of bounty hunters who trek across wintry Wyoming in search of adventure and fortune. But mother nature has her own plans, holding them up in an inexpensive single-room movie set for 2 hours and 48 minutes, during which time they kill each other.

Batman Versus Superman: Ultimate Justice Time (2016)

I didn't see this movie, but I heard it sucked.

Five Easy Pieces

Jack Nicolson is one of the pieces, I think, and he has many girlfriends.

10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is hot roofied brought to a creepy fallout shelter by Newman John Goodman after she loses consciousness in a car crash... which is great because the apocalypse happened! Mary Elizabeth Winstead is understandably skeptical, and proceeds to try to kill John Goodman several times, before giving up and learning to love the atomic bomb. Would recommend.

Dredd (2012)

The most beautiful movie about a gravely-voiced protagonist shooting people that I have ever seen. Would recommend.

Tron: Legacy (2010)

I want to have sex with Olivia Wilde.

Ant Man (2015)

Another fucking guy literally trips (get it!?) over yet another McGuffin that gives him super powers. The comedy relief guy from The Martian plays the Ant Man's best friend, who ironically isn't an Ant. Would recommend, for not doing what we all thought they would and having the hero's real name be ANT-hony.

EDIT: The movie's fake science says that the PIM particle allows Ant Man to shrink by reducing the space between atoms, but then later claims that using it too much can make Ant Man sub-atomic. New rating: -3/10 for getting its own bullshit science wrong.

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015)

This was a great trailer for Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope.

The Raid: Redemption (2011)

Do not watch this movie.

Hail, Caesar! (2016)

George Clooney is roofied by Newman and wakes up a communist.

Seventh Son (2015)

Many divorced men refer to their ex wives as "witch". But when Gregory does, he really means it! Jeff Bridges introduces the southern drawl accent to Postclassical era Europe.

The Martian (2015)

Matt Damon again finds himself in a scenario in which his only friends are plants.

Black Mass (2015)

In this episode of Sherlock, Holmes disguises himself with a Boston accent and occupies a seat in the United States Senate. A lot of people are randomly shot in the head in a series of Family-Guy-style flashbacks like "oh man and there was this one time when we..."

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015)

The franchise awakens! In this reboot, a young lady and a black guy team up against the evil Severus Snape and blow up the Death Star again. Jay J. Abrams brings an entirely new feel to Star Wars, doing away with wipes entirely. I call this a "reboot" for several reasons. One reason is that the heros in this episde are entirely new, never part of the Star Wars story at all before. Just a couple of brand new inserts, just jammed in there. The film is an awkward mixture of new and old, as if its entire purpose is to be a "goodbye" to the classic saga and and "hello" to the way of the franchise. It's by far the least violent Star Wars installment. It's the only episode to feature no traumatic amputations at all. No hands sliced off, no beheadings. I'm thinking really hard, and I think there's only one on-screen occurance of any actual violent injury. We wouldn't want to offend the Chuck-E-Cheese crowd.
At least I wasn't there to see any of the movies in the previews. Holy shit, there's a fucking Angry Birds movie. And Kung Fu Panda... THREE???

Crazy Heart (2009)

I think I saw this movie a while ago. I don't really remember it, but I don't remember it being bad.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

This installment of the Star Wars franchise is a huge contributer to The Chuck-E-Cheese-ification of America. Or victim of? Either way, a major character is some kind of racist characture of a downsey Italian/Jamaican who gets his face farted in by various alien livestock on multiple occasions. Peeee-yousa!

The Martian (2015)

Matt Damon convinces Ben Affleck to help him remake the 2005 remake of the War of the Worlds. At some point M. Night Shyamalan's name comes up and Ben Affleck panics and flees production, leaving Matt Damon alone in the Nevada desert with only a 20-acre farm house to protect him from the elements and a wine cellar full of micro-brews to sustain him. Matt Damon sets up a webcam and grows pot, gaining 500 new followers in one day, most of them from NASA. Matt Damon then sets up a Kickstarter and uses the funds to buy a bus ticket home. Ridley Scott.

Mad Max: Furry Road (2015)

A society of steam punks chase a woman through a desert wasteland, surviving on human breast milk and huffing spray paint. They meet a separate society of old women who decide the best thing to do is turn around and ask for directions.

Jurassic World (2015)

I expected so little, but the experience was slightly better than my worst expectations. Therefore, 5 stars.
The dumbest fucking part is when the dinosaurs can talk to each other? Seriously? You know in my day Newman had the can of Barbasol and that was it.

Maze Runner (2014)

Cube 4: Maze Runner is a predictable installment in the Cube film franchise. In this Cube, the captives are all young boys. But which is their biggest threat: the deadly Griever monsters which live just outside their walls, or the single female introduced to their society??

The Babadook (2015)

This hilarious comedy stars Aussies, and the entire movie is a comedic joy-ride because they sound different than us when they talk. Would recommend.

Avengers 2: Age of Ultron: Electric Boogaloo: Tokyo Drift: 2015: The Movie (2015)

Thor and Batman build a robot, the Joker switches it to evil mode. A few guys get punched. Hulk rage-quits (get it?) the Avengers after Black Widow (Batgirl) makes too many boob jokes. The only Olsen girl who isn't a fucking mess from childhood fame shoots red lightning from her hands but then Harley Quinn switches her evil switch to good and she punches robots with her mind. 0/10 stars for unprovoked violence against robots.

Jurassic World (2015)

Dinosaurs eat bitches, get paid. Velociraptors ride motorcycles. An executive assistant is eaten by both a pteranodon and mosasaur at the same time. 11/10 stars, would see again.

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014)

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) is a fresh new take on The Producers. David Lynch directs this film about an actor who puts on an unusual Broadway musical about gin and adultery. The actor used to play Birdman in the prequel.

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Unauthorized guest review by a 70 year old Australian Texan woman: http://birthmoviesdeath.com/2015/05/19/mad-max-fury-road-as-reviewed-by-my-70-year-old-mother-in-law

Digging Up The Marrow (2014)

A horror film enthusiast follows up with a fan in hopes of discovering real monsters. There is a lot of waiting and a payoff that will not make you feel fulfilled or disappointed. Wait for the re-cut of this movie which removes every scene without Ray Wise.

The X-Files

The X-Files (1998) is a straight-to-theaters episode of the popular television series. Mulder says "shit" a few times so that's how you know it's actually a movie and not on network television. The smoking man is able to effortlessly light a cigarette directly under a running helicopter, which I think would be near impossible but what do I know about smoking or helicopters for that matter.

Sinister (2012)

Never have children.

You're Next (2011)

A flat-chested Australian girl with a cute accent who is dating a fat fuck gets more and more attractive as she murders people, but it's OK because it's in self defense. Everyone in the movie is shot with a crossbow at some point. Would recommend.

Contracted (2013)

An attractive girl contracts (get it?) an std at a party. Her flowers die, she snorts coke, and gets mad at everyone before eventually maybe turning into a zombie but definitely dying. Throughout, incompetent medical professionals basically tell her to do nothing as she lies to them and slowly falls apart. Would not recommend.

Insurgent

Insurgent (2015) is a sequel to last year's movie Detergent (2014). [review to come]

The Judge

The Judge (2014) is a long boring movie about an elderly judge who runs over somebody with his car. He pleas "senior moment" on that shit but ends up going to jail anyway. SPOILER ALERT yeah right you were never going to watch this movie.

True Lies

TECHNICAL REVIEW: As it turns out, True Lies (1994) is only available on non-anamorphic DVD. This is a technical handicap resulting in a viewing area that is letterboxed on all sides if you're viewing on any device other than 4:3.
REGULAR REVIEW: A terrorist organization threatens to blow up Florida. Florida is not a very good hostage.
It's a good thing this movie is rated R because Tom Arnold says "blow job" a lot.

Ernest Saves Christmas

Ernest P. Worrell is a very dangerous taxi driver, hoarder, and apparently suffers from a psychiatric condition in which he randomly impersonates John Wayne. Santa Clause, an innocent unarmed white man, is arrested by Orlando PD for just minding his own business. Ernest breaks Santa out of jail and helps him with his Christmas-related mission via a series of disguises and fraud. Vern is displeased when Ernest spends 15 onscreen minutes ripping the electrical wiring from his walls.

St. Vincent

In St. Vincent (2014), the guy who says "Did you turn of off and on again?" plays a Catholic school teacher. He and "Tammy" make this film a 85 minute formulaic experience you can set your watch by. But Bill Murray is also in it, and he's great. It's like he asked "What's my motivation?" and some two-bit hack director said "You're a real deadbeat asshole with a heart of gold." and Bill mussed his hair, popped a cigarette in his mouth and replied "I can do that." There's some great lines in the film, all Bill's, and overall watching him as his character is a real treat. The film's concept had some high potential - maybe something along the lines of Broken Flowers - but unfortunately the sheer boredom induced by its Hollywood conveyor belt flavor makes this something I can't recommend.

Mulholland Drive

Mulholland Drive (2001) is a movie about a hobo in blackface who, living behind a Denny's dumpster, was keeping miniature versions of a deranged failed lesbian actress' parents in a little blue box the entire time.
Mulholland Drive (2001) is a movie about Denny's.
Mulholland Drive (2001) is a long movie with lesbian sex scenes.

Snowpiercer

chewer: SNOWPIERCER ON NETFLIX
Michael: is that movie any good
chewer: depends on who u ax
Michael: i'm axing you
chewer: i thought it was stupid and absurd
chewer: robert loved it
chewer: do u know what the movie premise is
Michael: what is the premise
chewer: snowpiercer is the name of a train which goes on a continuous track during the ice age
chewer: i have no idea why they need to be on a moving high speed train during this ice age
chewer: but basically this train has different classes, and steerage class starts 2 revolt
chewer: and thats the movie
Fred: how far in the future is it
Michael: yeah wait [how] far into the future is this, chewer?
chewer: um
chewer: i think its like maybe 50-60 yrs
Michael: oh ok so it's after global warming
chewer: they release some chemical into the air that brings on another ice age
chewer: i forget why
Michael: oh. that was dumb.
Michael: probably liberals
chewer: i mean i think due 2 differing opinions its worth a watch
chewer: i rly didnt like it, katy also didnt like it, but robert thought it was rly good and so did a lot of other ppl/critics

Beetlejuice

A woman driver manages to cruise right off a bridge in broad daylight, plunging her and her husband into the afterlife. Betelgeuse, an idependent contractor desperate for work, tries to win their business. Everyone dances to Harry Belefonte songs.

Super 8

Fat kid films train crash. Giant alien terrorizes insignificant town.

Mud

An Arkansas resident Obamacare recipient coerces children to gather motorboat parts on his behalf.

It's A Disaster

David Cross (David Cross) is a boyfriend brought to a couples' brunch. But is it the last couples' brunch ever?????????????

Wadjda

Wadjda (2013) is the heartwarming story of an Arabian girl who enters a Koran Bee in order to win the prize money so that she can buy a bicycle.

Edge Of Tomorrow

Groundhog Day meets Starship Troopers.

Dallas Buyers Club

The Dallas Buyers Club (2013) is a biographical film about a man who took life's lemons and made them into lemonade. Whereas in this example the lemons are AIDS and the lemonade is realizing the American dream of running a profitable pharmaceutical import business.

All Is Lost

All Is Lost (2013) is a nautical version of Gravity (2013). A good American man narrowly/eventually survives his sailboat being damaged/sank by stray Chinese ocean debris. A jewish man with glasses on the commentary Special Feature describes the film as "an existential action movie". The ending is stupid but I like all the sailing parts.

Grand Budapest Hotel

Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) is a story of a middle eastern refugee who, via tontine, acquires a luxury hotel in Hungary.

Thor: The Dark Side

I saw this movie only 2 weeks ago and i can remember virtually nothing. I remember floating things, a lot of sepia, Stringer bell taking down another Jaeger, and the guy from the TV Chuck as an emasculate nordic french space alien buccaneer. I think he smiled once and jumped out of a nordic flying space lazer boat. Anyways watch just the last scene and you can continue on in the series or don't.

Pain and Gain

Basically Thor: The Dark Side set in 1995 Miami. The Rock Plays Natalie Portman and Human Growth Hormones play the hammer.

12 Years a Slave

Toby (Lavaar Burton) gets trapped by the original 1840s SNL cast looking for its first black cast member and forced to become a slave for 12 years. Well thats what the title alludes to, the movie makes it feel like it was he was a slave for only a long weekend. Also starring Brad Pitt as White Guilt.

The Escape Plan

Rocky (Rambo) and the Terminator (Rainer WolfCastle) play themselves with real worldish skills trapped in a high tech inescapable prison! The prisoners at first are shown to be in single locked glass rooms where they are always being watched by masked guards. HOW WILL THEY ESCAPE?! oh wait the next scene they are in some sort of unguarded rec hall where the prisoners can all talk to each other and hatch plans BECAUSE THATS A GOOD IDEA AND DOESNT DEFEAT THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE GLASS PRISON CELLS. I don't want to spoil how they escape but if you have ever seen a prison break movie in your entire life I'm prettty sure you can figure it out.

Death Race 2000

Death Race 2000 (1975) is about a race car driver named Frankenstein who participates in a road race that you win by running over pedestrians, earning points based on the age/profession of the victim. He becomes President of the United States by running over the previous President of the United States. There is footage of nude women cat-fighting. Every word of this is true.

Prisoners

Prisoners (2013) is a good suspense/drama/cop-drama movie about a father who is out to rescue his daughter from her abductors. This is not Taken. It's a different movie. It stars Donnie Darko and some guy named Huge Ackman.

Ice Storm

Ice Storm is a movie about some parents in Connecticut who leave their kids home alone while they attend a Key Party. In case you don't know what a key party is, it is basically a politically correct way to say orgy. Anyway, while the parents are at their orgy, some fucked up coming-of-age type of things happen to their children. There's a lot of Metro North footage, too, for all you train enthusiasts.

Captain Phillips

The third movie in the Flight-Castaway-Captain Phillips Trilogy. Denzel Washington, no longer a hurricane and with large bills from his stint in rehab, moves to Somalia to become a pirate and finally capture Tom Hanks (Tom Hanks). The plan backfires because THIS IS MURICA, and Tom Hanks is basically a human Bald Eagle. So in the end we spend 35 million dollars to rescue Tom hanks from Denzel and his bad Vermont accent. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN GET THE HELL OUT.

Love Actually

How long would you expect a shallow romantic comedy to run? 75mins? 90mins? This one runs for two fucking hours and 15 god damn fucking minutes. Love Actually (2003) is the 2001: A Space Odyssey of romantic comedies.

Promised Land

Based on the Australian new wave film "10,000 Spoons When all You Need is a Knife" starring Paul Hogan and Chris Tucker, the gas industry successfully buried this 2012 film arguing that this film incorrectly portrays gas companies as heartless corporations that bury points of view that counter their agenda, which is probably why you have never heard of it, don't cha think?

Frances Ha

A Biography of wtpa, replacing the male characters with females (please tell claire!), Frances (Richard Harold) is a quirky 27 year old interpretive dancer whose roommate moves to sweden so he must get a real job and embrace death.

Clear History

(Curb Your Enthusiasm) - (the cheery musical punctuations) + (one extra hour) = Clear History (2013). Larry David is an old townie on Martha's Vineyard who has a secret past. The island's only black man discovers Larry's real identity and black males him. Get it?

Pacific Rim

Pacific Rim (2013). Subtitled "The Gang Fights Futuredinosaurs With Giant Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots". Charlie develops a fascination for dissecting alien dinosaurs. The gang build massive boxing robots to fight the alien dinosaurs. The robots can only be piloted by two humans and can walk on water. Eventually, Charlie decides to Vulcan mind-meld with one of the alien dinosaurs, discovering that they are like Borg meets Land Of The Lost - but will he learn the means to their destruction? The alien dinosaurs are from another dimension.

Children Of The Corn

Children Of The Corn (1984) is a film about a young Seattle couple who, while driving through Iowa, stumble upon a religious sect that truly lives off the grid. Everything they need in their lives is made of corn. Corn fuel, corn bowls, corn shoes, corn hats, corn pens - even their meals are corn! The group's minimal carbon footprint and wholesome solidarity through religion makes their story truly inspirational.

Fargo

Fargo (1996) is a Cohen Brothers film about a couple of midwestern bandits who run into a string of bad luck during their latest caper. Their situation goes from bad to worse as their love of pancake houses and hookers lead them further and further away from their ransom reward.

The Mummy

The Mummy (1932) is a classic film about how an old man attempts to seduce a sultry young flapper girl who is 3700 years younger than himself. He has to court the young lady using ancient magic spells because back then, instead of ok cupid, they had ok prohibition.

Don Jon

Submitted by guest reviewer Courtney S.
Don Jon is the story of (surprisingly) Don Jon, who is played by Joseph Gordon Levitt (JGL). As accurately described by the trailer, there are only a few things that Jon cares about, "my body, my pad, my ride, my family, my church, my boys, my girls, my porn." Scarlett Johansson (ScarJo) plays a Jersey tramp-that's right, I said it. Don Jon plays a pretty simple-minded dude, and just exists through a series of routines. He loves his porn to the degree that he has distanced himself from reality and he doesn't really know what's up. He goes through the motions of what he thinks he is supposed to do, his "code" if you will, so that he can feel secure. Questionable aspects of this movie: development of our main character is moving along at a good pace, but then rushed toward the end of the movie. Pluses of this movie: JGL got jacked for this movie and spends a good portion of the movie shirtless or showing off his guns lifting. Funny moments throughout. ScarJo convincing as a Jersey tramp. TONY DANZA is Jon's dad and his arms are distracting for an entirely different reason-they look weird. I had to take a breath when JGL gets out of the tub-it was intense. Oh, and hey! Julianne Moore is in this movie, how cool is that? Fairly entertaining, good use of music throughout the movie.

The Place Beyond The Pines

The Place Beyond The Pines (2012) is a Crash-meets-Serpico mashup in that there are several disjointed storylines that are loosely connected by an instance of tragedy. And Serpico rats out the entire Schenectady police department. Ryan Gosling is a carnival stuntman turned bank robber with a heart of gold.

Mud

A biopic about Michael H IV coming of age. He spends his childhood repairing boats and working. Michael's father makes him do a lot of work, so he escapes on his boat to an island where he meets Matthew Mcconaughey (played by matthew mcconaughey) who for some reason has a shirt on. Turns out the shirt is the Checkhov's gun of the film, you keep waiting for it to be taken off and when it does shit goes down.

Room 237

Room 237 (2012) is a disappointingly boring discussion about the hidden contexts in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining. One of the more lengthy theories is that Stanley Kubrick was responsible for filming the footage of the Apollo moon landing, which was faked, of course. This isn't worth sitting through, take it from me!

Gravity

Gravity (2013) is a suspenseful space disaster story to the tune of Disneyland's "It's A Small World" ride. In a race to save her life, Sandra Bullock moves from American to Russian to Chinese spacecrafts - experiencing the rich culture of each. I saw this movie in 3D, which is a ridiculous gimmick technology that serves no artful purpose.

Rush

Rush (2013) [Lauren to write review]

Oblivion

Oblivion (2013) is a a photographically beautiful film. It's a decent scifi premise with a plot twist. It's downfall is that it is too long. That's what she said. I can see why people think it's really bad, because in order to understand the plot you need to pay attention to subtleties. For example, the numbers on Tom Cruise's uniform. If the pace was quicker and it ended at 90min and cut out 30min of the romantic BS with his wife from the past I'd give it a solid 4.5 out of 5. But as it stands I'll say it's a 3. Annsley hated it.
THe rebels look like human ewoks.

RIPD

In what appears to be a sequel to True Grit, Rooster Cogburn (Jeff Daniels) teams up with an old Chinese man wielding a banana played by Ryan Reynolds who must save the world from the cop from Mystic River with a cameo appearance from the Boylston bar LIR. I am not making any of this up. This is the most honest review on this page.

12 Monkeys

12 Monkeys (1995) is a film about a man traveling back and forth through time. He is tasked with preventing a plague in 1996 that affected nearly every human on the planet. The movie ends when the main character witnesses the shooting death of Tupac Shakur in an airport - which is the vision that has haunted his dreams throughout.

Castaway

A sequel to Flight, Denzel Washington plays a tropical storm that tries to kill Tom Hanks, whom with the help of a volley ball and a portable urinal is able to convince Denzel to get back to rehab.

A League of their Own

Geena Davis plays a catcher that catches a ball after it is hit but then world war 2 ends and all the women die of alzheimers.

Chicken and Duck Talk

.....

Clue

Clue (1985) is the best movie adaptation of a board game I have ever seen.

Elysium

Elysium (2013) is about the future when everyone speaks spanish and is poor. I mean, even more than usual. The 1% have created a gated community space station called Elysium where they live and have elected an Indian man as president. The Occupy Elysium movement eventually succeeds and everyone gets Obamacare.

The Truman Show

The Truman Show (1998) is a film about a man who steals a sailboat in a misguided attempt to sail to Fiji to find a girl he once met in a library who said she was moving there. Eventually he crashes the boat into a wall, which proves his world is actually a television show.

Street Smart

Street Smart (1987) is about a magazine journalist who decides it would be a good idea to do a piece about a Times Square pimp who goes by the name "Fast Black". The journalist gets a little too involved in the pimping lifestyle, and trouble ensues. I think New Yorkers in the 80s thought they were in the future at the time, and they dressed accordingly.

The Lives of Others

The Lives of Others (2006) is a subtitled movie about an East German secret police agent with a heart of gold. He is tasked with surveying a playwright who is suspected of writing very boring articles about suicide rates. These articles are being smuggled and published in West Germany, which is apparently the better Germany with a lesser suicide rate. But as it turns out the agent is not such a bad dude as far as East German secret police agents go, and he ends up working to protect the writer. I feel like I missed out on some of the nudity because I had to keep up reading the subtitles. They should speak English during the sex parts.

Collateral

Collateral (2004) is a movie about a LA cab driver (Kevin Durant) who gets a pretty lady's digits but then he is taken hostage shortly after by a well dressed white man who wears sunglasses at night (Christian Bale). At some point they are robbed by some punks who are from the opening scene of Terminator.
The sound editing is terrible. This movie is unbelievably 120min long.

Hysteria

Hysteria (2012) is an episode of Downton Abbey in which they invent the electric dildo.

Star Trek: Into Darkness

oh i saw the new star trek movie the other day. it is not awful until the very end. at which point it becomes the worst thing. can i give spoilers? i mean it's horrendous i have no idea how that ending got past the the star trek editors or whatever. ok you know how Wrath Of Khan ends right? spock in the dilithium chamber, dying. you are and always will be my friend, etc. i dunno i dont want to give away such a big spoiler regardless of how fucking stupid it is. but, i will say, it is a horrible homage to that scene. only in Wrath Of Khan, spock dies. in this movie kirk just kinda survives somehow in some kind of family friendly "oh it turns out everything was all right the whole time haha!" ending. it looked like he was dead for sure but oh guess he's not. hooray the franchise continues. and young spock chases young khan through san francisco weaving in and out of futuregays and eventually catches him and beats him up. with his fists. spock does this. spock, the vulcan. it was boring because it was such nonsense. the coolest part was a only a fraction of a second, when khan's stolen federation supertank ship crashes full speed at earth. remember in Generations when the enterprise crashed??? that scene was awesome. and in Nemesis; when Picard rammed the evil mine worker's battleship. that also was awesome. and in this movie they had an opportunity to do another awesome spaceship crash but that lazy abrams fucker was just like "yeah whatever it just crashes".

Seven Psychopaths

Seven Psychopaths (2012) should be a way better movie considering the amazing cast. It's one of those movies that's about writing the screenplay for the movie you are watching. Also, it's a British film about Los Angeles, so the whole thing seems out of place. And it's got one of those cliche endings were the film keeps going for like another 10 minutes after the credits. All the best lines of the movie are in the trailer - so save yourself nearly 2 hours and just watch the trailer.

The Sessions

The Sessions (2012) is about a married woman who repeatedly gratifies a paralyzed polio victim. The film is 1.5 hours long, and about 45min of that is Helen Hunt full frontal.

End Of Watch

End Of Watch (2012) is the worst episode of Reno 911.

The Master

The Master (2012) makes no sense and is stupid. Lots of bush, though.

Flight

"Holy smokes, did you see that black girl's vagina???!!!" is what I exclaimed during the opening seconds of Flight (2012). My girlfriend of only a short time, not paying attention, replied "What?"
I was already rewinding. "Holy shit." and I speechlessly oogled for another half minute or more while the actress is nude on screen. What an astounding landing strip (or racing stripe, whichever vernacular you prefer). My girlfriend was visibly unamused - but I backed up the scene one more time.
I clumsily explored my blue ray player's freeze frame features, as I actually hadn't ever used them before. "Wow. Holy smoke."
At this point I looked away from the screen for just a brief second to notice I was being strongly stink eyed. I decided I could come back to this later, and let the movie progress without further interruption.
The rest of the movie is about alcoholism.

Star Trek: Nemesis

Star Trek: Nemesis. It is discovered that the Romulan govt is overthrown by a uprising from a mining colony on a Romulan-controlled moon. The leader of that group get a superweapon that he intends to blow up earth with. Also there is a secret sub-plot tying him and Picard together. What is the tie? Will The Enterprise save earth from the crazy supervillian? There is a very cool starship battle scene and main star trek character is killed.

<tduds> that is a very engrish review
<tduds> What is the tie?
<Michael> It is a secret you must buy the movie FIVE DOLLA NO CASE.
<Michael> OK FOUR DOLLA NO CASE
<Michael> OK FOUR DOLLA AND CASE FROM DIFFERENT MOVIE MAID IN MANHATTAN

Dredd

Dredd (2012) is an ultraviolent tech-noir film about a no-nonsense judge who doesn't sustain any objections!

The Muppets

The Muppets (2012) is a story about a pair of seagull brothers who team up with the legendary Muppets to defeat a wealthy white man and save their rec center.I hate this review

Prometheus

Prometheus (2012) an incredibly disappointing film. It's part of the Alien franchise, and has no merit as a standalone story. It's one of those "episodes" that promises to "answer questions" but is really just a massive jerk-off in cinematic form.

Adaptation

Adaptation (2002) is a really long movie I don't understand so I hate it. Someone else should write the review for this ridiculously pretentious film.

Kingpin

What do Woody Harrelson and Jon Lovitz have in common? They both did the "milked a bull" joke in the mid 90s. Kingpin (1996) is about an Amish man who learns to bowl as a means to save the farm from foreclosure with bowling tournament prize money. Bill Murray is funny in it, though.

The Last Stand

I saw The Last Stand (2013) on opening weekend. I wanted to see the new old Schwarzenegger blow up some bad guys and then say something like "Eat that shit, motherfucker!!" or something along those lines. There was a long line outside of Somerville Theater, so I figured a lot of people had the same idea. A theater employee was walking up and down the line yelling that showings of Silver Linings Playbook (2012) and Argo (2012) were sold out. Most people in the line were audibly disappointed. I asked the man "What about Last Stand?". The man laughed "Oh, plenty of tickets for Last Stand." My date and I bought our beers and popcorns and made our way to the theater. It's a little late for the 7:30 showing, I hope we get good seats!!! We're in luck, lots of seats. The previews end. The feature begins. There are 15 people in the theater, including myself and my date.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the sheriff of a small Texas border town, which an escaping Mexican drug lord is heading through while being pursued by the FBI/CIA/DEA/MADD/PETA/ATF/IRS. Given my expectations, I was not disappointed. The Last Stand is a 1.5hour excuse for Arnold to recite as many Arnold-lines as possible. To fill in some time, there is also Johnny Knoxville and Luis Guzman doing/saying stupid shit. The audience openly laughed at the senseless plot/violence/stunts.
Anyway, my favorite Arnold lines from this movie are:

  • You make us immigrants looks bad.
  • You fucked up my day off.
  • (Arnold breaks through a window into a diner)
    • Waiter: How are you, Sheriff?
    • Arnold: Old.
  • (Arnold blows away a slew of bad guys with a Gatling gun mounted to a school bus)
    • Welcome to Sommerton.

I would not watch this film sober.

Beavis and Butt-head Do America

Beavis and Butt-head Do America (1996) is at least a cult-classic, at most a Criterion Collection title - but probably somewhere in between. Two typical American teenagers start off on a mission to recover their stolen CRT television, but end up on an adventure across our great country in pursuit of sexual intercourse. Like all teenagers, their propensity for vandalism and lack of knowing shit about anything fuels their path of destruction. In the end, the President applauds their stupidity by appointing them govt. jobs. Thanks, Obama!

Ted

As a resident of Boston urbania, Ted (2012) reminds me of what it's like to go outside. I recognize the scenes of the Zakim bridge, Back Bay row houses, and those stupid concrete ducks in the Common everybody is always posting pictures of on their Facebooks. I thought the bad guy was Ryan Gosling with a fake mustache but my friend told me that it isn't Ryan Gosling, that I am faceblind, and that Ryan Gosling is way hotter. This movie also reminds me that I would like to pursue intimate relations with Mila Kunis.

Zero Dark Thirty

Btw, Zero Dark Thirty (2012) really fucking good. The use of the word bro in the movie is great. I was on the edge of my seat within the first 5 mins of the movie. My girlfriend's roommate actually didn't talk a lot during the movie, and I swear to god she talks during the absolute worst parts in the movie sometimes. There are appropriate times to talk about a movie when in the living room with your friends - for example, when the scenery is changing and theres no dialog. However, not when someone is interrogating a fucking terrorist, though. U should absolutely download it, or I can try and find some way to get it 2 U. Also, Richard, the DVD screener is very watchable.

The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight Rises (2012) is the latest installment in the Batman film franchise. The bad guy sounds like if the Alpha 60 computer from Alphaville had suffered a stroke some years ago, disabling him with an Australian accent and bizarre pitch inflections. He wears a special breathing mask which renders all farts inert - this is his superpower. Catwoman is in this movie too and she is a real man-hating ball-buster. That's all I got.

Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie (2012) is pretty much what you'd expect if you are familiar with the Tim and Eric franchise. In the plot, Tim and Eric manage to completely waste one billion dollars attempting to create a motion picture - but in reality they only wasted $3m.

Dirty Work

Dirty Work (1998) is a comedy film from a better time in Hollywood - a time when the leading girl doesn't schmear semen in her hair, and the protagonist is not found to be fucking an apple pie in a scene of profound awkwardness. No, this film is from when comedies mostly revolved around being kicked in the balls, silly voices, and fart jokes. Norm McDonalds and Artie Lange start a revenge-for-hire business in order to pay for Pop's heart transplant operation. Chevy Chase is funny. I would watch this film again with Chris Farly but I can't because he's dead.

Moonrise Kingdom

Moonrise Kingdom (2012) is a story about how a boy, guilty of abduction and statutory rape, manages to evade pursuing authorities with his underage victim until he is eventually captured and then made deputy sheriff of an affluent island town.

A Serious Man

A Serious Man (2009) is a Jewish-themed remake of Magnolia (1999).

Streets of Fire

Streets of Fire (1984) is unwatchable. The setting: Grease meets Blade Runner. A lady rockstar is kidnapped by a motorcycle gang led by the gay detective from Boondock Saints. Rick Moranis hires a couple of ex soldiers to retrieve the girl. I turned it off 54 minutes into the film after having sat through a completely pointless >5min doo-wop session. I do not know what happens and I do not care.

Pootie Tang

Pootie Tang (2001) is a movie about a do-good character that is a mashup of Shaft and Prince. He fights evil white people and makes love to hoes (sic).

Division III: Football's Finest

Division III: Football's Finest (2011) is a comedy in which a wacky redneck football coach (Andy Dick) rides a bicycle on a football field, holding a first down marker as if it were a lance, yelling "I'm looking to make a faggot shish kabob!". I LOL'd. There are also a lot of black jokes; and you know that Andy Dick can get away with black jokes.

Anger Management

Anger Management (2003) is the sequel to Punch Drunk Love. After earning a tropical vacation by exploiting a loophole in a pudding promotion, Adam Sandler is accused of assaulting a flight attendant and is sentenced to an anger management course which is run by an unconvincingly wacky Jack Nicholson. Mr. Nicholson is subjected to acting out fart jokes. It is a bad movie. It is so bad that it literally killed Lynne Thigpen; which is a feat not even Carmen Sandiego was able to accomplish.

ROCKYIII

ROCKYIII (1982), pronounced Rɒk-Eeeeeee!, is a boxing movie about an offensive black man (Laurence Tureaud) who is eventually beaten unconscious by a mentally disabled Italian man (Paul McCartney).

The Perfect Host

The Perfect Host (2010) is a surprisingly decent straight-to-DVD movie. Niles Crane is a wealthy loner who takes in a panicked stranger that appears at his front door. But is Niles as kind as he appears? Is the stranger actually a bank robber? No and yes, respectively. I would watch this movie again with Old Roz.

Death Proof

Death Proof (2007) is a Tarantino flick. I know it's a Tarantino flick because he's in it, but also because everything is a reference to other Tarantino flicks. The car is yellow and has "Pussy Wagon" painted on it. The fast food joint is Big Kahuna Burger, and the comment "Now that's a tasty beverage" is uttered. There's a rad ~25min car chase, but to get to it you have to sit through a lot dopey, uninteresting dialog. I would watch this movie again with the remote control in hand so I can skip a dozen chapters of inane and completely irrelevant girl talk.


Update September 2013 I hate this review.

Where Do We Go Now?

Where Do We Go Now? (2011) is a sexist Lebanese chick-flick comedy(?) about a village with Christians and Muslims and goats. Lots of goats. The film opens with an interpretive dance. Stereotypically, the men are all violent horny idiots and the women are all very patient, wise, and work in very mysterious ways. For example, in order to quell the secular violence that is breaking out in the village, the women pool their money to hire a troupe of Ukrainian strippers, because... maybe the men will be less violent if they have boners? The best part of the movie is the hashish song. The women and the Ukrainian strippers all get together to cook these hash-laced donut things, and they dance and sing a song about hashish for >5 minutes. Yellow hash! Brown Hash! Green hash! Hashish from my heart, enough hash to stone a camel! Hey! I would watch this movie again only under threat of secular warfare.

The Cabin In The Woods

The Cabin In The Woods (2011) is a modern self-loathing horror movie that's like Cube 3: Cube Zero meets Scary Movie 2 meets the Black Mesa compound from Half Life. The cast of characters is your typical new age horror movie ensemble: A blonde, a brunette, a pair of jocks, and a lovable pothead who has a collapsible bong shaped like a travel coffee mug. There is a 4th wall element, and there is a team of jocular laid back scientists on your side of it. One of the scientists is the bad guy from Billy Madison. He gets eaten by some kind of zombie dolphin creature - which should have been how Billy Madison ended, too, if you ask me. I would watch this movie again with the lovable pothead.

The Infidel

The Infidel (2010) is a British comedy about a Muslim man who, after his mother's death, discovers he is adopted and also actually jewish. There is an awesome music video in the beginning. Gary Page - Close My Eyes (1982). I immediately looked it up on Spotify. Then I cursed Spotify for not having it. "Why am I even fucking paying for this! Doesn't even have any Gary Page on it! Fuck!" This echoed back at me through my lonely, empty one bedroom apartment. Minutes later did I discover that Gary Page is a fictional artist invented for the movie. Feeling crushed and stupid I wrote this review in anger and give the film zero stars or whatever the worst rating I can do in this is. I would watch this film again with Wyld Stallyns.

Se7en

"Se7en" (1995), with a "7" instead of a V for some fucking reason, is a movie about a serial killer who doesn't even kill 7 people. I fucking counted it was only 6. I would watch this film again with a staff editor from politifact.org.

A Separation

A Separation (2011) is a brilliant film. It is something of an Iranian whodunit about an upstanding man who is falsely accused of smacking a pregnant servant so silly that she miscarriages all over. The husband of the servant goes nuts and is all threateny, so the protagonist's wife organizes some kind of bribe. The bribe is called "blood money" and it's for "15 million". I don't know if that is a lot of money or not, I don't know from Iranian economics. The wife is also trying to divorce the protagonist and take his daughter to live abroad. I don't know any of the characters names not only because my friend Fred says I am faceblind but also because their names are not like the American names I am used to. Anyway, so much conflict! Will justice be served? Will the family remain united? You'll just have to spend 123 minutes finding out! I would watch this film again with a Canadian film student.

Footnote

Footnote (2011) is a film about jewish people behaving jewishly. It's like A Serious Man but it is not in English. From the subtitles I managed to read through the bottom of my tumbler glass, the plot is about a father being accidentally notified that he has received an academic prize that was actually intended for his son. Could anything *be* more funny? The film is an hour and forty minutes long and the only nudity is that of an elderly jewish man.

Taken

Taken (2008) is a movie about young rich girls from California. They are not disciplined and do not listen to their parents - particularly their father who is an ex "Preventer" which is apparently some kind of ultra spy. He is older but has aged well and inspires ladyboners. There are many great cliches, such as the infamous Enhance! on a ~30 pixel blur in order to create an HD photograph of a face in the reflection of a window in a digital photo that happens to be of the bad guy. This happens pretty early on so you know the type of flick you're in for at least. The remaining hour is a typical action-suspense film. The bad guys fire 100 rounds at the good guy and miss every shot, the good guy fires 3 rounds and thunk thunk thunk three dead ass terrorist-sounding bad guys. This scene is repeated at least a dozen times. There is a car chase. I'd watch this movie again with a girl I asked to come over my place to watch a movie.