Love Stories

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Ideally, how would you fall in love? Or fall into sex? Or fall into a crowd of marathon runners, causing massive injuries and one fatality?

The hunt begins

[13:56] jared OK, let's recall our perfect meeting with our love in the same way lauren did FRED YOU GO FIRST


Yeah the irishman is running the 10k. My plan is to meet him.

[13:48] tduds how many people are running this thing
[13:48] lauren 10000
[13:49] lauren there'll be a lot who are either really terrible at running or are professionals

Anyway there are tons of ways I could end up meeting this guy. Maybe it's hot and I faint and he helps, or we finish at the same time and are in a picture, and he's like "Oooh that girl is cute!" He'll have my bib #[sic], he could find me.

[13:52] ~~~ jared pictures lauren fainting in front of him, he doesn't react fast enough and trips over her, causing a massive pileup of runners who also fall and hurting him in the process.

Sure and then I help him. I say "Oh God, I am so sorry I caused this let me buy you a drink!"

[13:53] jared You don't care about the damage you caused?
[13:53] lauren i care that's why i'm buying him a drink
[13:53] jared You're a monster.
[13:53] lauren maybe i buy everyone involved drinks
[13:53] jared An elderly man was trampled to death lauren.

Because he's Irish he stays longer and i feel that I have to out drink him

[13:53] jared To death/.
[13:53] Fred To death.

And he goes along with my effort because he thinks it is cute that I think I, an american girl who only has some Irish blood in her, can outdrink him. An actual Irish man.

[13:54] Fred lauren maybe you've already met the guy and its me
[13:54] tduds AN ACTUAL IRISH MAN!

Then he invites me over to have sex and Taylor Swift is there and she and I are like "You know what, we'd be down with being sister wives if we're the kind that have sex!"

[13:54] tduds Robert: ^^^ tina daydream
[13:54] tduds lauren: how much butt touching is there
[13:55] Robert tduds: not enough butt touching
[13:55] lauren as much as they want
[13:55] Robert hahaha
[13:55] Robert JINX
[13:55] tduds A+
[13:55] Fred /robert
[13:56] lauren speaking of butts should i keep this skort:


[13:56] jared OK, let's recall our perfect meeting with our love in the same way lauren did FRED YOU GO FIRST
[13:56] tduds YEAH
[13:56] Robert YEAH FRED
[13:56] Fred i uh
[13:56] Fred i hook up with her on a couch somewhere, drunk
[13:56] jared C'MON FRED DO IT
[13:56] Fred ^^
[13:56] Fred the end
[13:56] ~~~ jared sighs


[13:56] jared Robert, go.
[13:56] Fred lauren: we need pics of you in it
[13:57] lauren yeah ok
[13:57] Fred haha
[13:57] lauren i'll try when i get hom
[13:57] Fred BUTT SHOTTS
[13:57] lauren this skirt too
[13:57] jared ROBERT GO
[13:57] tduds that girls face looks retarded
[13:57] Fred ROBERT GO
[13:57] lauren accurate
[13:57] tduds ROBERT GO
[13:57] lauren ROBERT GO
[13:58] lauren note that my hope is that you just tell us how you and kerry met
[13:58] Fred retarded but hott
[13:58] jared haha
[13:58] Fred lauren: okc
[13:58] lauren well he's going to have to tell it better than that at the wedding
[13:58] Fred why
[13:58] Fred whats wrong with okc
[13:58] jared Entire toast: "OKC"
[13:58] lauren &
[13:58] lauren ^
[13:58] Fred yeah!
[13:58] tduds retarded butt hot
[13:58] Fred the wonders of the internet
[13:58] jared Kisses bride, walks out of church
[13:58] Fred i think its romantic
[13:59] +mhoran Livestream has a new CEO! My stock may be worth something!
[13:59] Fred also romance is gay
[13:59] lauren sure but the issue i have is tht he can't just go up there and give a toast and just say OKC
[13:59] jared OK, Robert isn't going apparently.


I get into a career as a professional writer finally. I move to a small town to focus on my next big novel and find an odd curio store in town when out buying groceries. It has strange occult items in it and is run by an old, musty shop keeper. In the shop a fetching lady spooks me by appearing suddenly. We chat about the occult and she offers to read my fortune with a tarot deck that's in the store. She does it, but before finishing, abruptly says she has to go after checking her pocket watch. I ask the shopkeeper who it was and he says no one's been in the store but me all day.

[14:05] jared Sorry there is a lot of backstory.
[14:05] jared OK, continuing.
[14:06] tduds OK
[14:06] lauren i hope you write your novel faster than ROBERT HAS
[14:07] lauren by has i mean hasn't.
[14:07] tduds I imagine "Fetching Lady" is a profession
[14:07] lauren i'd do that job
[14:07] tduds like one who fetches. like an errand boy or a carrier pigeon

I write her off after looking for her around town hoping I'd run into her at some point doing errand or whatever, but no dice. Well, after I accept that I won't see her again, she knocks at the door one night and says she was in the neighborhood. I kind of ask some questions about her, like how she knew I lived there and where she lives, but she reflects them. She finishes the fortune. We talk for a bit about some things. I tell her that I like her and we have sex. When I wake up she's gone. I start doing research and find out she was an old witch that was burned at the stake in years passed.

[14:09] Fred HAHAHA

I become obsessed and do a ritual she had recorded in her grimoire that's supposed to summon the spirits of the dead just to see her again. She puts me under her spell and I take it upon myself to get revenge on the family descendants of those who burned her.

[14:09] lauren jared i would definitely read your books
[14:09] tduds is a grimoire like a scary armoire?

On the last house, as I'm about to kill the last family, the sheriff catches up with me. He shoots me and as I die, I talk, like someone is there. And then she camera shows what I see and she's there. We spend the rest of time together in the afterlife. The end.

[14:10] lauren i'd watch that movie
[14:10] ~~~ tduds wipes away a single tear
[14:10] Fred sell the screenplay brah!
[14:11] jared Also, she's really hot.
[14:11] jared Did I mention that part?
[14:11] lauren who plays her
[14:12] jared lauren: Like, if I could pick anyone at all?
[14:14] jared lauren: Well, you offered to be a fetching lady
[14:14] ~~~ jared winks at lauren
[14:16] jared But anyway, ladies I would have be a dead, hot witch I fall for? Possibilities include Karen Gillan, Marry Elizabeth Winstead, or Christina Hendricks.
[14:16] tduds good choices
[14:16] jared Yes.


[14:11] jared Umm, tduds is up.
[14:19] tduds i'm drafting mine. feel free to chatter in the meantime
[14:33] jared tduds: How is your tale coming along?
[14:33] tduds progressing nicely
[14:33] tduds it's kinda long
[14:34] tduds longer than my... well, it's long.
[14:34] jared Long like mine?
[14:34] jared Or did you outdo me?
[14:34] tduds we'll see
[14:34] tduds it might just become fanfic
[14:35] jared yay!
[15:01] tduds ok story's ready
[15:01] tduds long paste incoming
[15:01] tduds jared: this ones for you
[15:01] jared yay!

I go dancing with Fred at Holocene and he very quickly abandons me to chase the first woman he sees, who turns out to be the bouncer. Undeterred, Fred continues stalking around the bar murmuring "slampigs...bitches...SOOO MANY HOTTIES" while making eye contact with no one. I buy myself a gin + tonic and make my way to the dance floor, I start dancing with a cute short-haired girl and, sure enough, it's Miley Cyrus.

We dance and have another drink but people are starting to notice her so she grabs my wrist and says "Hey, let's get out of here." We run from the club up the street to a secluded park and climb to the top of a big tree, where we sit and have deep conversations until the sun rises. I come to realize she is a surprisingly aware and brilliant individual, and her entire career is just an elaborate form of performance art. Also we do mushrooms and have awkward tree-sex.

As dawn crests, she kisses me on the cheek and says "We will meet again", then climbs down the tree and runs off into the world. I still have all her clothes, she's completely nude, it's on TMZ within the hour. The world is shocked, but I just grin, because I know. I take her clothes home with me, because they were just laying in the tree. Inside I find a note from her thanking me for the wonderful night, and her personal phone number.

I call her. We talk. Then we begin a years-long series of clandestine weekend rendezvous in various remote getaways between Portland and LA. On the fifth one we are married by a rainbow shaman named Chloë Grace Moretz (no relation) who we met while whitewater tricycling. Later, we employ Chloë's mystical abilities to summon 2004 era Lindsey Lohan for a foursome.

Over time the pressure of keeping our affair a secret starts to weigh on us, and so Miley spends the next year elaborately faking a terminal illness - Andy Kaufman style. The world rallies around her in sympathy and she is awarded a Lifetime Achievement Grammy. Weeks later she "dies", and we retire to a south pacific island where I have been building an off-grid home. 2004 Lindsey Lohan visits us on our anniversaries. The end.

[15:03] jared Oh man, 2004 Lindsay Lohan, you have good taste.
[15:03] tduds thanks
[15:03] jared She's the reason I started researching a time machine.
[15:03] tduds haha
[15:03] jared Also, good story.
[15:03] tduds yay