Like a code review, but for your life.
- 1 Fred and Jackie
- 2 Dickie and Velir
- 3 Michael Hoydis and Table 13
- 4 Lauren Siegert and Richard Herold
- 5 Matt Horan and John Resig
- 6 Bmo and Mike Burns
- 7 Ryan Chua and #WTPA
- 8 Tim Dudley and Genevieve Conley
- 9 Nate Ross and Jenny Paiva
- 10 Robert Morris and Brunch
- 11 Mike DiStaula and Gretchen Williams
- 12 Lauren Siegert
- 13 Richard Herold and Richard Herold
- 14 Becca Incognitowitz and Richard Herold
- 15 Becca Incognitowitz and Rick Harold
- 16 Mike DiStaula and Matt Horan
- 17 Mike Burns and Becca Incognitowitz
- 18 John Mendelewski and Mike Burns
- 19 Chessie Monks and Adam Blackwell
- 20 Mike Burns and #notreally
- 21 Lauren and Jared
- 22 Will Nowak and Graham
- 23 Lauren and Melissa
- 24 Lauren and Everyone
- 25 Mike Burns, Mike Morgano and Girls
- 26 Mike Burns and Will Nowak
- 27 Melissa Xie and Matt Kohn
- 28 Mike DiStaula and Molly Kerrigan
- 29 Sarah Curran and the electric bill
- 30 Sarah Stambaugh and Liz Armstrong
- 31 Jessica Paiva and Sarah Curran
- 32 Rachel Gerry and half of Salem
- 33 Jared Stander and Noelle
- 34 Sarah Curran and Mike Burns
- 35 Mike DiStaula and Texas
- 36 Mike DiStaula and
- 37 Mike DiStaula at Penguin
- 38 The Tragedy of Jared Stander
- 39 Sarah Curran
- 40 Jared Stander and Mike Burns
- 41 Mike DiStaula and Melissa St. Pierre
- 42 Jared Stander v. his roommates
- 43 Jared Stander and Noelle
- 44 Jared Stander and Mike DiStaula
- 45 Jared Stander and Geneva Monks
- 46 Dicky and Melissa
- 47 Burns and Mosier
- 48 Nate Ross and Krista Johnson
- 49 Fred Howland and Lindsay
- 50 Dan Moga
- 51 Caitlyn and Anna
- 52 Fred and Lindsay
- 53 Moga and Katie
- 54 Mike DiStaula
- 55 Mike DiStaula and Jesse, Chessie and Peter
- 56 Nate Ross and Krista
- 57 Sarah Becherer and Danielle Capalbo
- 58 Jared and Geneva
- 59 Mike Burns and Anna Nicole Smith
- 60 Jared and his knife
- 61 More
Fred and Jackie
Fred knocked up Jackie. Jackie has gone missing but Fred is still in Boston.
Dickie and Velir
Velir got dickied by Dickie. Dickie would bring slobbering drunk wtpa hooligans to his office to mooch off the keg in the refrigerator after head beers. Velir caught Dickie with their state of the art surveillance system involving iPads duct-taped to Segways.
Dickie took it hard and started lashing out to friends and family, eventually creating distance between himself and Carolyn. It was exposed to Bmo that Dickie was having an affair with the cleaning lady one day when Bmo messaged Dickie to check in with him and make sure that he wasnt letting his coding skills rust.
They were working on a new glorious app to revive movie night
Michael Hoydis and Table 13
Hodyis married Annsley with what was apparently a lovely reception. His friends wouldn't know, though; they were placed in table 12 (#wtpa) and table 13 (#nerdsnshit), around the corner from any other guests and out of earshot of their sensitive morals.
Among the people presenting praise for Hoydis include Dicky (who doesn't know how to end a story), Fred (who wrote a speech that a home-schooled boy would write), and Richard (who is a fine gentleman mixed up in this mess). Now let's track the history of the world:
In 2000, Julia met Hoydis. She introduced him to Claire (exes were not allowed at the wedding), and through Claire, Robert; to Burns, and through Burns, Fred, Dicky, and Richard. In fact, all but one of Hoydis' guests were through Julia.
Julia was characteristically polite and humble about her position at Table 13 despite being the person who made everything happen, but the rest of us felt upset about this obvious insult. We must thank Julia for leading Tables 13 and 12 in prayer, which soothe our urges and temper our desires for drink and fornication.
Lauren Siegert and Richard Herold
In early November of 2014, Richard and Zoe had a 'Carb Gala' to celebrate their nascent engagement, to which they invited all of WTPA - except for Lauren. Several days after the event, which all guests agreed was among the finest starch-related formal dinner parties they'd attended in recent memory, Lauren learned of her deliberate exclusion from it in the channel. When she realized there had been an event for Boston's hottest elites and all the carbohydrate socialites, was blinded with a rage most fiery.
Upon her learning of her non-invite to the event, Lauren unleashed a verbal tirade at Richard in the channel. Richard reacted by calmly and cooly laid-out all the reasons why she was not invited, despite her being without question the biggest carb aficionado in WTPA. A non-comprehensive list of his reasons were: she eats with her mouth open; while professing to be a carb lover, in reality she will only eat Kraft brand Mac n Cheese; after having eaten carbs, they seem to have an effect on her brain whereby she domineers any social situation and makes any and all conversation about herself; and finally, carbs make her and the spiders gassy to a most unpleasant degree (the channel was unanimous in agreement -- including Lauren -- on this point).
After explaining his reasoning to Lauren in WTPA, Lauren said that none of those warranted her exclusion from the event, and that this treatment from Richard would result in harsh sanctions, including, but not limited to, Richard being added to the ever-growing Lauren /ignore list in the channel, as well as Richard being blacklisted from any and all upcoming comfort food-related gala(s) at the Siegert waterfront estate.
Lauren has left a bag of flaming cat feces on Richard and Zoe's front door. Unknown at this time if there will be further retaliation.
Matt Horan and John Resig
It is currently unclear why, but John hates Matt. He refuses to speak with him and has even been spreading rumors about Matt exaggerating his baldness for attention.
More news to come as this story develops.
This just in: John has mentioned Matt's "rapier wit" a few times now, but mispronounces "rapier" as "raper".
Confirmed: John hates Matt's haircut, claiming that it makes him look like a rapist and pedophile. He is trying to distance himself from Mr. Horan so we won't be mistaken for one himself.
Update: Mr. Resig astroturfed an "authentic" Developer Welcoming Dinner, making sure all of his friends were invited, and ensuring that Mr. Horan was not only not invited, but even told as much; just to further drive his arbitrary hatred home.
Bmo and Mike Burns
Towards the end of another one of Mike's fantastic Sexxex cookouts, as Bmo and Anne were leaving, Mike Burns attempted to high-five Bmo as a token of his friendship and affection. Immediately upon seeing this gesture, Bmo in a moderately drunk and belligerent state, started screaming profanities at Burns and exclaiming loudly how he "HATED HIS GUTS" and hoped he would "DIE IN A SWEEDISH ORGY ACCIDENT". Burns, nonplussed, slowly backed away and scratched his head perplexed, in typical Burns fashion. "You hate me, man?" asked Burns. "I had no idea you hated me". "Yeah because you're a douche. It's OK, though, sometimes I can be kind of a douche/jerk, too" explained Bmo. A few seconds of awkward silence followed, with everyone still in attendance at the cookout silent and not quite sure what to say or do. Anne and Fred (and the dog) tried to drag Bmo away, to his car, to end the horrible awkwardness and leave the situation. But after a few seconds of deep thinking, Burns decided that this would not stand; he needed to know why Bmo hated him. He proceeded towards Brian, standing inches from his face, and grabbed the sides of his head with both hands, and said, "LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL ME WHY YOU HATE ME". Bmo, slightly shocked by this usual show of aggression by the usually pacifist Burns, at first was at a loss for words. Bmo finally managed to stammer out in a shaky voice..."b-b-because you...never said thank you when we brought you that "Byte Me" t shirt". Immediate silence fell upon everyone. Burns froze, took his hands off Bmo. Bmo stood there, looking down at the ground. Anne and Fred looked at Burns, then at Bmo. Burns slowly backed up two steps. Then two more steps. Then sat back in his chair, and appeared to go back to being deep in thought, apparently trying to recall just what shirt this was and when, and went back to eating his plain hamburger. Bmo was then dragged-off by Anne and Fred, yelling the whole time, "You never said thank you!" "You never said thank you!" "I picked it out just for you!" "We had to spend two hours in Salvation Army!"
To be continued...
Ryan Chua and #WTPA
Ryan Chua, once the stalwart brodude of IRC, was kickbanned for 24 hours by our fearless overlord (god rest his soul), e-John. John's reasons for kickbanning Chua were quite-well-founded, and the overwhelming majority of #wtpa members agreed with his actions. The main reason for John's 24 hour banning of Chewer from #WTPA was his repeated and unabashed use of the word slampig. Once a funny term that originated with Fred using it to describe the caliber of women at 90s night, Chewer had become enamored with the term and started using it incresingly often. It was funny at first, but as the weeks turned into months Chewer's usage of the term progressively devolved to the point where approximately 43% of his sentence would be nothing but some combination of the word slam, pig, and/or slampig. Example: < chewer >: Yo, sup slampigs! < chewer >: Fred: bro u slam that pig yet that u met at the slampig party the other night? And, < chewer >: Fred: bro, b careful, bc slampigs can b rly sensitive after u slam them. make sure ur nice 2 ur pig 2day.
As previously mentioned, on the whole, #wtpa agreed with EJohn's swift and decisive action to temporarily ban Chewer from the channel due to his complete irresponsible usage of what was once a well-respected term. However, as a result of being banned, Chewer's reaction was as unexpected as it was unwarranted. First, he setup a website bashing John, implying that John was both a Nazi, and also somehow connected with the 9/11 attacks on America (). Second, he, in a fit of blind rage, went directly to John's apartment, snuck in through a window, and sabotaged John's upcoming ham party, by over-salting the ham. This had the unexpected consequence of preventing Lauren from successfully having her first forray into the world of swine-based foods at John's party the next day. As a result, all those in attendance at John's ham party took to belittling, ridiculing, and generally giving a hard time to Lauren, because, I mean, who doesn't eat ham, really? This then, in turn, had the resulting outcome of sending Lauren into a spiral of depression, guilt, and shame. Lauren was last seen in #WTPA with the message: < lauren >: goodbye cruel world, and fuck you guys, pig is too salty. how the fuck do you guys eat it so much. ps, fred: I bet you'll never move out. Lauren has not been since in the channel since; her once actively-updated Google Latitude has also not been updated since this last correspondence. Her loyal boyfriend of many years, Butters, has not seen nor heard from her, and is quite distraught over the situation. As of the time of this writing, local authorities continue to be on the lookout for her, the Massachusetts State Police Dive Team has begun searching the Mystic River in the Tobin Bridge area, and Butters is working with Hood milk to affix a picture of her to milk cartons. Jared has called 'dibs' on her new car if she isn't found.
Meanwhile, despite his initial ban only lasting 24 hours, Chewer has yet to return to #wtpa, where all members mostly agree that his touch of trademarked ridiculous humor and brodude world-view is acutely missed. Despite repeated entreaties via myriad forms of communication, including Facebook, text, phone, and in person, Chewer refuses to come back to #wtpa, citing Lauren's disappearance as affecting him too strongly for him to return to his once jovial self, and that us seeing an 'emo Chewer' would scar us so deeply for us to never want to interact with him again. At the time of this update, word was that Chewer was drowning his sorrows in food -- namely hamcups (the recipe was given to him by Dickie) -- and had gained 35 pounds.
To sum: Too many slampigs; one pig ruined; Lauren prevented from eating pig, resulting in an as-yet unexplained disappearance; and now Chewer can't stop hamcups.
Tim Dudley and Genevieve Conley
Tim has known Gen for many years now, going back to his MIT days. Did you know Tim went to MIT? It's hard to tell since he never talks about it and certainly never goes back there. Well anyway, Tim may have banged his way across Burton Third but he never truly got the relationship he wanted out of Genevieve.
Enter Fred. Tim realized that he could never pursue Gen in the pure, virginal format he so desires, but he can live this through Fred. By introducing them at a party then controlling Fred's Facebook account, Tim is able to be the weakling overcome by fear of change that Gen most desires.
Tim plans to continue to live his long-term dating life through Fred, continually feeding him advice and suggestions on how to win over Genevieve until, though Fred, Tim can be with his one true love.
Nate Ross and Jenny Paiva
Nate was boning Jenny's sister when he saw that Jenny was super preggo. Doing what he does best, he dropped the sister and scooped the chick with the pea in the pod.
They had a great time living together: she would go out and party until 4AM then come home drunk; he would go to work early then come home ASAP to take care of her kid. They each loved the fact that they weren't alone, in some sense of the word.
She started exploring ideas of existence. What does it all mean? Why is she dating a townie? Why is she a townie herself? Wasn't she a lesbian? Just who is she? Does any of it matter? Is she actually not alone, or does Nate fill some need despite their only overlap being Facebook "Like"s?
So she dumped his ass when he proposed. It was all like:
Nate: Will you marry me?
Jenny: lolwat? u r a fagg0t!
Nate: I'm totally blogging this!
Robert Morris and Brunch
2010-11-21: Robert showed up to brunch at Ted & Richard's place with a prostitute. While not completely out of the ordinary, it was off-putting to Ted, as Ted was concurrently coming down from a FourLoko overdose. In his depressed, antsy, agitated state, Ted blew up at Robert for having the gall to bring a woman of the night into his home. Robert immediately defended his actions, saying "it had been a really long time" and, "he really didn't' want to be the only person without a date for brunch".
Ted demanded Robert apologize, tell the hooker to go home, or face an immediate eviction from Ted's house. Robert stood his ground, literally, and would not leave. This caused Ted to have to employ one of his trademark tactics: "the prize buck carry". Ted picked Robert up, threw him over his shoulder, and carried him down the stairs and out the apartment.
The prostitute, having been already paid by Robert, stayed for brunch. It turns out she is on OkCupid and joined-in our contest to go on a date with a bi chick. All's well that ends well.
Mike DiStaula and Gretchen Williams
2010-11-06: Mike DiStaula showed up at Gretchen's doorstep to dump her. She'd become distant over the past few weeks and Dickie wanted out. He rang her bell and her female roommate showed up wearing nothing but a towel. She invited him inside and Dickie just couldn't say no. The rest is history.
Though great for Banana, the rest of us wanted to get to the bottom of why Gretchen had become so distant. Fred had been talking about a 4'10" woman he had been dating.
18:55 < Fred> Hey I'm dating a 4'10 er!
Burns got to the bottom of it and discovered that Gretchen had become so distant because she was in fact dating Fred.
Dickie is now plotting how to murder Fred.
Friends without Benefits
2010-11-22: Dickie is now getting the best of both worlds; driving Gretchen to do errands while sleeping in his own bed alone with Jackson as his spirit guide. All Jackson has taught him so far unfortunately is to shit everywhere and slowly die of malnutrition.
Friends with Benefits?
2010-12-06: Dickie has now taken to escorting Gretchen to everyday menial tasks such a grocery shopping, going to the laundromat, and running her to and from the airport. Gretchen has found this a bit odd, but overall is pleased with having someone to talk to when she would otherwise be solitary and bored. Dickie, being social dependent, loves this new arrangement. Whereas in their previous relationship arrangement, dates and sex would occupy the majority of their time, now all the time is filled with talking, which, as we all know is what truly gets Dickie off.
This first came to light this past Saturday when Dickie was supposed to be home to pregame with Fred before his date. When Fred arrived at Slantsville Dickie was nowhere to be found. A text to Dickie revealed that he was "NOT @ HOME BRO". Fred had to resort to paying a crackhead who was walking down Medford Ave towards Winter Hill $5 to help him break into Slantsville. Once entry was gained, Fred was able to read Dickie's text and message history on his computer and discover that Dickie was, in fact, with Gretchen. In a fit of rage that Dickie had put his 'hoe' before his 'bro', Fred proceeded to feed Jackson a cocktail of Chua's approximately 2 year-old cheese balls drizzled with vodka, draw a big PENIS on the whiteboard, and exited down the stairs, urinating the whole way down. He also put an empty cookie bag on the door knob, as his calling card.
He is using her for her personality. She thinks they're just friends. Joke's on her.
2008-08-19: Lauren started deleting and altering text about her on this page. This is against the spirit of this page and she knows it. Becca knows it too.
You both ought to be ashamed of yourself for changing lies into other lies.
2009-09-08: Lauren doesn’t care, she hates Burns.
2010-02-05: Lauren decided to try to change it again. It worked for 45 minutes.
Richard Herold and Richard Herold
Richard Herold claims that Richard is imaginary and generically white. Richard contests the former but is willing to accept the latter.
2009-10-26: If Rick Harold/Herold/whatever is not imaginary, Richard Herold plans to sue him for identity theft. Hell, even if Rick is imaginary, Herold plans to sue him. This is America after all.
Becca Incognitowitz and Richard Herold
Becca gets an e-mail from a Richard Herold:
'Who the fuck chose "Rick Harold" as my anonymous identity? "Richard Herold" is generically white enough as it is. Also I think someone overestimates my "persuasive influence" a.k.a. I have nothing to do with anything.'
Becca Incognitowitz and Rick Harold
2009-10-16: Richard slept with Becca. Richard claims "it slipped". Richard spent then night using his "persuasive influence" to convince Becca to date Mike Burns. Only time will tell how "persuasive" Richard is.
Mike DiStaula and Matt Horan
2009-09-18: Dickie tied Matt's shoes together at 90s night. When Matt went to dance with a cute lady, he fall over and instead knocked over a row of bro's at the bar. The bros dragged Matt outside and he was asked to never go to the Common Ground again.
After leaving Common Ground, Matt called Dickie out for being a jerk. Dickie pushed Matt out into the road, which caused a cyclist carrying a kitchen sink and two stray dogs to fall over and get a concussion. Burns, being very upset, slapped Dickie in the face. Seeing slapping as something only a woman would do, Dickie kicked Burns in the crotch. Burns started crying and Dickie's ankle magically healed.
2009-09-22: The excitement continues. Matt and Burns's friend mhoydis offered to have his friends go to the Tam trivia night. Matt, still upset at losing his only chance to talk to a woman, ever, told Dickie that he was not allowed to go to trivia night because he was a jerk. Dickie called Matt out on this and Matt got very upset. They are no longer talking.
2009-10-14: Dickie bought Matt ice cream and they became best friends.
Mike Burns and Becca Incognitowitz
2009-08-19: Becca visited Boston a few months ago and stayed with Burns, the only person she still speaks to here. He wanted to stick it in, but she preferred to cry about her ex. Burns is trying to convince everyone that he made it out of the friend zone on Monday. Nobody believes him.
2009-08-20: Becca talk to her mother on the phone and was informed that her mother googled her. Becca has to try to explain to her mother why people she knows post bullshit about her in a public forum. Becca does not like having to do this so she edits the dreadful webpage, knowing full well that
some asshole will re-edit very quickly. DISREGARD THAT
2009-09-04: Becca's ex is helping her unpack/move, into the first floor of Dickie and Chua's old house. Later tonight, she is attending a party at their new place. Burns will be there; no word on whether the ex is going, but Burns will probably cry either way.
2009-09-08: Now that Becca has moved back to town, Mike Burns is nowhere to be found. The FBI has begun to question his friends. Who is this Becca character? What has she done with Mike Burns?
2009-09-16: Mike Burns was found carrying three computers, two monitors and a small child, while wearing shorts and sandals during a snowstorm on an alley off of Alleghany St., where Becca lives. It seems that someone may have forced him back through the failsafe. Coincidence? I think not. The investigation continues.
John Mendelewski and Mike Burns
2009-02-01: Mike Burns is an equal-opportunity jerk who pokes fun at Lauren by calling her dumb and fat; John is Lauren's boyfriend. John has had enough of this Burns fellow and has issued the ultimatum that he will have to step in and make something of it if this continues.
2009-08-19: Last night, Burns had a dream where John dumped Lauren and apologized to him for being a dick about things. After waking up he realized he was jealous that John, even far away in Seattle, had a girl who wanted him, while he was stuck in Boston being friend zoned. Realizing the gravity of the situation, he posed as John and dumped Lauren, who didn't fall for the ploy.
Meanwhile, John joined OKCupid to try to make friends in Seattle. Everyone told him this would never happen, that nobody else would be on there for the same reason, but he wouldn't listen. One girl claimed to also be looking for friends, so they met at a Starbucks in Seattle (since that's all they have there). She turned out to be a 14-year-old chubby teen who wanted to be more than friends, so he told her to GTFO. Despite what Sarah House says, he's not a pedophile.
2009-09-05: Burns tries to convince John that Lauren met and slept with an emo boy named Dave, who has a Red Sox obsession and loves awful, terrible music, while volunteering at Northeastern move-in day. Later, Chua tells Lauren that Burns had been trying to get her to sleep with him after an MIT party. She laughs, because this is the first she'd heard of such plans. She then drinks a lot to try and block out thoughts of the terrible thing that could have happened.
Chessie Monks and Adam Blackwell
2008-10-31: Adam left with Chessie after the Jato Day party. They played just-the-tip with Adam hogtied and gagged. She prevented him from coming all night, and he left slightly unsatisfied but very intrigued.
2008-11-02: Adam's "girlfriend in Texas" (hah, yeah, and I had one in Chicago. Right.)---who goes by the name "Spork Pearson" but whose real name is Jess Pearson---heard every detail of how Chessie was the first woman to make him cum, and so on. She then sent Chessie messages via MySpace:
- omfg i cant beleive u did that to us...i am soooo hurt. he is everyting 2 me. U R A BITCH!!!!1
Chessie then responded:
- You snooze you lose!
2008-11-03: Turns out Spork is pissed because now Adam has tattoos of Chessie on his ass, not just tattoos of her.
Mike Burns and #notreally
2008-10-21: Mike Burns left #notreally, claims it is NSFMB (Not Safe For Mike Burns)
2008-10-23: Ryan Chua has been elected as the replacement Burns.
2008-10-30: The real Burns came back, at least temporarily. This is good, because Ryan Chua couldn't handle the responsibilities.
2008-11-02: Real Burns left again. Time to find another chick to break up with him.
Lauren and Jared
2008-10-10: Jared uninvited Lauren from Jato Day because she amused herself by posting pictures of dogs (he hates dogs) to its Facebook event. She will respond by dying over her orange hair with red. She wanted to do this for October and the Red Sox anyway, but refrained because Jared's favourite colour is orange.
2008-10-11: Jared re-invited Lauren. Several days later, she accepted. After the party, kind of wished she hadn't.
Will Nowak and Graham
2008-10: Graham, everyone's favorite ACM web server, was just minding his business, when Will decided enough was enough. Will ordered for Graham to be put down by the end of October. According to Will, the machine is a an eyesore in the highly respected and perfect CCIS server room. He believes that by getting rid of it, CCIS will be amazing again, just like in the old days. No one knows the true source of his hatred, but Mike Burns probably has something to do with it. Graham also eats babies.
Lauren and Melissa
2008: Lauren and Melissa are roommates. They argue a lot, because Lauren gets annoyed at things easily and Melissa doesn't detect sarcasm well and realize that sometimes Lauren just says things and doesn't mean anything by them. They're living together again in 2009. Once again, they are fighting.
Lauren and Everyone
1988-present: Lauren complains too much. But never about anything it'd make sense to complain about.
Mike Burns, Mike Morgano and Girls
2008: With the advent of Tuesday parties, Mike Burns had found himself in the world of chick hunting again, as per his agreement with Chicago Sarah. John Mendelewski brought Mike Morgano to one of these said parties, after running into him at an unrelated gathering. Mike Morgano became the monkey wrench in Mike Burns' plans. Morgano works his charms on any and all girls at these parties, leaving Burns to watch him work. Lately Burns has been able to hold his own, with Morgano acting only as a cockblock in Burns' way.
Rebecca is the current (September 2008) conquest both Mikes are battling for. She is a friend of Melissa's, into math, and hasn't been turned off by Burns' GF deal. Both Mikes are working their charms on her, as well as all the other guys that attend these parties. Rebecca turns out to be the only girl to attend without a BF, so she naturally gathers the largest crowd of horny boys. Whether this is warranted is to be decided by the vigilant onlookers.
2008-09-16: John Mendelewski attempted to end the whole Rebecca Show going on by offering her his bed and penis. He was turned down.
2008-09-27: Morgano declared winner in an epic 8-hour struggle.
Mike Burns and Will Nowak
2008-09: Apparently, Will cannot stand the company of Mike Burns. This seems to be public knowledge to everyone except Mike. While no real details have emerge concerning this "unjust hatred", Will has been quoted on saying (in reference to camping outside WVH) "if I see him [Mike] leaching CCIS Wireless, I am going to go call NUPD."
2008-09-22: John Mendelewski has been assigned to get to the bottom of things.
2008-09-27: Mike Burns is afraid to go to the Pit now.
2008-09-29: John Mendelewski has found the Will Nowak's only weakness: UNIX daemons written in bash. It will not be long before Mike Burns seizes this opportunity.
2008-10-03: Will Nowak states that he will only consider talking with Burns if he removes his screen sessions from French@ccs. Burns moved to Polish@ccs. A standoff, one to rivel even the Cuban Missile Crisis, is about to ensue.
2008-10-04: As per his assignment, John Mendelewski got to the bottom of this. He smooth talked Will into revealing that he does not really hate Mike Burns at all. "There was one time last year he was really annoying, downstairs ranting. I said Mike Burns, you don't even go here!" It seems that if Burns were to re-enroll into college, everything would be ok. (Except the red hair, of course)
2009-07-25: Red hair: fixed.
Melissa Xie and Matt Kohn
2008-09: Melissa and MattK have been undecided as to where they were going with their situation. A situation meaning they may or may not have made out, but definitely slept next to each other. Things went on, over internet conversations and late-night IRL meetings. Melissa became torn, not being able to determine if he wanted to be friends or lovers. She confronted him over AIM, where he refused to give her a yes or no, only "IDK". Melissa decided enough was enough with MattK, that she had better fish to chase after.
2008-09 +1: Melissa is talking with MattK again.
2008-09-22: Melissa wants Lauren to talk to MattK about the situation and find out more, so she can use her time to find more boys to chase after. Lauren attempted this, but MattK was only online long enough to say he was gay. Melissa is probably a dude.
2008-09-28: Lauren and Melissa are going to take MattK's NUCALLS Hebrew class.
FILLER STUFF HERE
2008-11-02: The end of it all.
Mike DiStaula and Molly Kerrigan
They broke up the day after Bridgie broke up with her man (also found via an OKCupid company). Bridgie said as much on Dicky's public Facebook wall.
I'm sure that went over smoothly.
Sarah Curran and the electric bill
2007-05-14: Sarah left a note on the real-life whiteboard saying that she would not be paying May's electric bill because she would not be here. While this was totally not FTW, we weren't too annoyed. Instead, we ate her food before it went bad by June 1st.
She came home within five days of writing that note on the whiteboard. While home she did her laundry, played some DVDs, watched TV, listened to her stereo, and in general used electricity. So Burns added "... except the washer, dryer, DVD, TV, stereo, etc. ..." to her original message, then took a shower. She apparently saw this and flipped out at Jared, who was in the living room at the time. Then she left.
On the morning of the 13th she left a tl;dr note on the whiteboard explaining ... something. We're not sure what. But apparently she's not going away for the month of May.
She might pay 1/4th of the electric bill. We'll find out.
Sarah Stambaugh and Liz Armstrong
2007-04-28: Sarah, in a long-distance, semi-jealous, semi-open relationship with Burns, was seeing Ringo; Ringo is in a long-distance, semi-jealous, semi-open relationship with Liz. Liz came back last night, fucked some sketchy guy, then went to Ringo's where she punched Sarah in the face and threatened her with a knife.
2008-09-29: Ringo bought Sarah shots to apologize for this and for sleeping with her roommate.
Jessica Paiva and Sarah Curran
2007-03-29: They broke up very, very loudly, at 3AM. Neither has left the apartment yet.
2007-04-01: Jessoe is here; April Fools?
Rachel Gerry and half of Salem
2007-02-26: Rachel Gerry shaves mustache; gets knocked up. She is not sure who the father is; it's one of four possibilities. It's due in early October.
Jared Stander and Noelle
2007-02-20: Jared was supposed to meet with Noelle at Best Buy to "study" "chemistry" "with" "her". He never showed, preferring instead to go to his school's library, check out books with pictures of Hitler, and masturbate while crying.
Sarah Curran and Mike Burns
2007-02-20: Jessoe was making food so Burns entered the kitchen to steal some. Sarah left in disgust, comparing Burns to a dog hovering around food looking for left-overs. She told Jessoe this, but not Burns.
Mike DiStaula and Texas
Dicky is going to the Lone Star State with Fred to tag-team some "broad" he met online.
Mike DiStaula and
2007-02-09: Something happened here, and it was probably dramatic, but this chick is boring to us now. Ah fuck it, who even remembers her? She was boring to us then!
Despite that, she did delete the original writeup of this.
Signed, a faggot who needs to grow up.
Mike DiStaula at Penguin
Dicky traded with Burns earlier in the night: $1 was given to Dicky and $5 was given to Burns. Much later in the night Burns put in enough for his pizzas and Dicky put in nothing, saying that Burns had paid for him. We all knew the bill was probably fine anyway, so we gave Dicky a small amount of hard time about the bill. He gave one of his long defenses, as if we really were upset, and we didn't want to hear it. "No, it's cool man. No one really cares. You can shut up," Burns said. Dicky stormed out at this.
The Tragedy of Jared Stander
Jared walks in and sees that Matt has written on the whiteboard: "Jared: DP will be forwarding the entire security deposit to us soon". Jared sees Matt:
Jared: So what's this about the security deposit?
Matt: We're getting the whole thing back.
Jared: Is it here yet?
Matt: No, soon ...
Jared: Then what the fuck do I care?
Matt: Fine, then I won't tell you things anymore.
Jared stormed off into his room. Burns thinks there was a little more to the conversation, but since he doesn't remember it it's clearly not important. Jared's craziness is the important part.
- She put a new doorknob with a lock on her bedroom door. This is because she's paranoid. By the end of the night she had locked the keys in her room. This means that she had to sleep on the couch, in full view of the Webcam. Chicago Sarah spent the whole night watching her.
- Sarah took Emily's boyfriend to her room and locked the door. Emily noticed her boyfriend and Sarah missing and, upon investigation, discovered her boyfriend and Sarah in Sarah's room, door locked. Hair pulling ensued and the thing ended with Sarah throwing Emily down our stairwell. The boyfriend followed Emily out sheepishly.
Jared Stander and Mike Burns
Jared: Does anyone know where my bread is?
Burns: There's some bread next to the refridgerator.
Jared: That's not my bread. Where the fuck is my bread?
Burns: I dunno man, there are a lot of boxes. Look through them.
Jared: You're a fucking asshole. That's not helpful at all.
Burns: What? All I did was tell you that there was some bread next to the 'fridge!
Jared: Yeah, but it's not mine!
Burns: But if it was yours then I'd be helpful instead of an asshole?
Burns: Sorry, then. I didn't know it wasn't yours; all I knew was that it was bread.
Jared: I fucking hate you. Asshole.
Mike DiStaula and Melissa St. Pierre
We were out at The Penguin, enjoying our last night together as members of WTPA at DP. Dicky left to bring pizza to Melissa, since he's a nice guy to his broads. Later we got lonely so called to invite him back; he came back, alone. "Where's the 'better half'?" we asked. "She dumped me," he explained.
See, what happened was he brought her the pizza, she ate it, didn't pay for it, got into pajamas, and fell asleep. After about twenty minutes she got a "cryptic" phone call, hung up, rolled over, and dumped him. He protested, then she asked him to leave.
She never paid for the pizza.
- She wants Burns and is dumping Dicky now that they're moving to separate places.
- He got the wrong pizza.
- She wanted to see if he'd be enough of a bitch to leave the bar to bring her pizza, and she's not into bitches.
- He's bad at spooning.
Jared Stander v. his roommates
We were out at The Penguin, enjoying our last night together as members of WTPA at DP. Jared brought up Sarah moving in with us, wondering which room she was getting. Matt said that he offered up the room with the bathroom, since she is a broad and all. Jared flipped the fuck out, throwing dishes and whatnot, before leaving to go cry his emo tears and pack his emo pants.
Jared Stander and Noelle
Jared has spent the past six hours talking with a broad named Noelle, whom he met at work. He tells me that she might have a boyfriend. Jared, bitches with boyfriends don't spend six hours talking to single men late at night.
He's probably going to get a cell phone so he can talk with her whereever he is. All day.
Jared Stander and Mike DiStaula
Dicky doesn't understand that Jared has no reasons for hating him.
Jared Stander and Geneva Monks
They broke up. Geneva wasn't able to arouse Jared, and Jared refused to take his Viagra.
Dicky and Melissa
Dicky boned her. Burns watched as Jared took pictures and Matt cried in the corner. Eventually, everyone realized that it wasn't in fact Dicky and Melissa, it was Fred and Dennis.
Burns and Mosier
This was a while back, but Burns told people about Mosier's scabbies and Mosier cried. Now Burns is dead to him.
Nate Ross and Krista Johnson
Nate and Krista broke up because Nate wasn't feelin' it. Of note is that this is the first time Nate has done it because he wasn't feelin' it. In a private interview Fred Howland, friend of the ex-couple, proclaims the reason for the breakup to be "a breakthrough".
Fred Howland and Lindsay
Lindsay is pregnant with Dicky's child. Fred pushed her down the stairs in an attempt to abort the child. Because of this, Lindasy isn't talking with Fred.
Fred, what would your mother think?!
Moga is pregnant.
Caitlyn and Anna
Caitlyn and Anna are Sarah and Jen's new roommates. I haven't met them, but apparently Anna is cute but has a weak heart, and Caitlyn is most attractive with duct tape over her mouth. Regardless, Caitlyn's ex-boyfriend wants to make The Switch to Anna, and this annoys Caitlyn. And Sarah, too, I think. Hell, it might as well annoy Jen and Anna too.
Fred and Lindsay
Fred has lost his virginity. Since he's currently working, the only remaining problem is that he lives with his parents. Oh, and he's home-schooled. And his dad's old.
Update: he's no longer working.
Update: he now is soon to be working again.
Update: Oh, I forgot: he's a townie! But he is employed.
Moga and Katie
Moga and Katie were the first to break in the long couch, while Fred and Nichole watched.
Dicky was cock-blocked.
Dicky does heroin now.
Mike DiStaula and Jesse, Chessie and Peter
Jesse is a total babe that Dicky doesn't deserve. Peter is Chessie's best friend. Chessie is the housewife of the apartment. Peter totally wants Jesse's nuts.
Dicky's decision was to back-off all the way to the beach, which totally pissed Peter off. Chessie is no longer talking with Dicky.
Dicky is through with Jesse; turns out I was right all along and they, in fact, have nothing in common.
Nate Ross and Krista
Nate and Krista are having a shotgun marriage in four months. They're not sure if it's a boy or a girl yet.
Sarah Becherer and Danielle Capalbo
Danielle was to live with Sarah and Jen. Danielle sometimes fucks Chris, whom wanted to bone Sarah years ago. Sarah is friends with, and spends time with, Chris. Danielle's parents can't stand Chris.
So, somehow, Chris calls Danielle's parents. Danielle's parents call Danielle and request that she no longer see Chris and that Sarah can't have Chris over if Danielle is living in the same place.
Danielle's solution was to call Sarah and tell her that she can't be friends with her and, if she doesn't mind, she doesn't want to live with her next year.
Jared and Geneva
Jared passed Geneva a note at (early) dinner tonight. It said:
- I want to lick your legs. However, I'm unable to attain an errection so I cannot go past that stage.
- Please don't dump me.
In response, she just laughed and shook her head no.
Mike Burns and Anna Nicole Smith
Mike Burns impregnated Anna Nicole Smith, and then murdered her 20 year old son. Anna, slightly upset, confronted Mike Burns about said situation, and Mike Burns immediatley gave her three hits of a crack pipe he bought outside of the hospital where the child was born. Anna forgot about child one and now plans on marrying Burns.
EDIT-- This just in: Burns is a stupid face, and also he's stupid and no one likes him and he has a low intelligence level and people don't enjoy his company.
Jared and his knife
We had just cracked the code in Silent Hill 3. You know, the really hard one we had spent weeks on. I (Mike Burns) figured it out with lots and lots of hints. As I was explaining what this meant both Jared and Matt were talking. Matt was yelling at Jared to shut up and Jared was asking me questions about the question.
Out of nowhere Jared goes to lunge at Matt, yelling at him to shut up. Jared then carefully put his drink down, all the while yelling at Matt, and pulled out his knife. Matt was in the shitty rocking chair, fully back. Jared held the knife to Matt's throat.
I chanted "You don't have the balls!" (which is true in a sense---Jared would never cut Matt).
Matt freaked and both went to their respective rooms for the rest of the night, leaving Ted, Geneva, and myself to chat aimlessly.
Ein- Why the fuck was Matt sitting the the same chair I told him not to sit in anymore because he broke it minutes earlier? Und Zwei- Yeah I wouldn't have ever cut Matt, so why did he flip the fuck out about it. Everyone only got freaked out about it because HE did, whereas if he just said something like "Gaaaaaaaay", everyone would have laughed, I would have put the knife back away, like I ended up doing anyway, and we would have had a GAY, OLD time.
- Yes, but. Well. It's like this: you're both wrong. Matt was wrong to totally freak out, because we all knew (maybe only I knew) that you wouldn't cut him. Jared was wrong to pull a knife while angry. In fact, he was wrong to pull a knife. That's just irresponsible.
- If Jared's going for the "look, I carry a knife, give me attention!" Hot Topic attitude then he's all set. If he's going for a more mature, legally-allowed-to-carry-a-weapon-because-it's-safe look then he needs to stop pulling his knife out. -Mike 11:42, 13 April 2006 (EDT)
Unexpected reprocussion, ironic because I deleted the relationships page for this one: Geneva is afraid of Jared now, claiming that he's violent, prone to sudden outbursts, and short-tempered.
Except, that she isn't, her neofeminist roomate Corrie claims that. -Geneva
- Well that's good news for Jared. He just needs to realize anything that actually happens, and stop realizing things that don't actually happen. Mike 13:16, 16 April 2006 (EDT)
We're brainstorming on how to create---no, I mean, we're searching for more--drama to post here.