Breaking Beverly

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Chewer had fallen on hard times. Despite taking a job down at the local car wash, he was having trouble making ends meet. Having his girlfriend Katy move-in with him had quelled their once raucous romantic life, and he was feeling overworked, tired, and haggard. He could barely make the minimum payments on the most basic of needs; example, his $75,000 German sports car. Up late one night, lying in bed, wondering how he was going to make the next car payment, he remembered a “tag along” he had gone on with his brother who was working for DEA (Downtown Electronic Arts – a local video game retail chain store). He remembered that in the course of shadowing him for the day, he had overheard his brother talking about how some people made money by preordering tons of gaming consoles then selling them at grossly-inflated prices to local basement dwellers. The next morning, after being seen by one of his co-workers while cleaning wheels at the Beverly car-wash he snapped. He had enough. He quit in a fit of rage and decided he was going to do it: he was going to sell Sony PlayStation consoles at inflated prices on the gray market via Craigslist.


He drove to his brother’s apartment and suggested he buy an old beat-up RV that was listed in the paper for cheap money to use as a mobile stockroom of the consoles. $1500 later – his whole life savings at the time – and he and his brother were in business. They bought 150 PS4s on credit cards, and once the shipment arrived 4-6 weeks later, they had a fully-stocked mobile showroom of Sony PS4s. Cost: $250 each. Asking price on Craigslist: $600 each. Easy money, right? Not quite…


It started simple enough: meet a guy (they were always male), in a dark alley, or behind a supermarket, somewhere in the sprawling environs of the Boston suburbs, exchange money for a plain-Jane looking box, and speed-off, $350 richer. Occasionally someone would try to argue with him over pricing, but most of the time he stared them right in the face and unflinchingly demanded $600. He always won. He developed a reputation throughout the greater Beverly/Salem metroplex as something of a mythological hero, delivering a high-quality product that could be trusted to put a smile on faces. Word spread quickly. Sales were brisk.


Eventually Chewer’s business had risen to the point where far from struggling to make ends meet, he had excess money. A pile of cash had started to build in his living room. He gave his girlfriend Katy the task of counting it. This quickly proved to be very time-consuming. Eventually Katy had to quit her 9-5 office job and stay at home counting and sorting cash all day long. Soon Katy and Chewer realized they would have to do something with the cash. Chewer devised an ingenious method of laundering the money using the emerging internet currency Bitcoins, or as he referred to them, as ‘Bitchcoins’. All ran smoothly for close to a year; Chewer amassed a small fortune selling PS4s, and his Bitchcoin account balance grew quickly. Until one day, Chewer slipped up and typed the account for his password into irc: S-L-A-M-P-I-G. Upon seeing it, Robert jumped on the opportunity to seize Chewer’s millions and them mailed to him at his address (he couldn’t have them transferred to his account as he didn’t currently have a bank account). Robert received the shipment on a pallet via a tractor trailer truck; 4 industrial drums filled to the brim with coins. Unsure where to put them, and not fully trusting his roommate, Robert dug a shallow hole in his back yard, burying a fortune in Bitchcoins under a few feet of loosely-placed dirt.


Chewer was able to use his Asian-genetically-granted computer skills to figure out the IP address that diverted the Bitcoins, which lead him to Robert. In a rage, Chewer drove to Robert’s as fast as he could, cursing him the whole while on the phone. Robert fired back that he had it coming, and that “THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR PROMOTING RAPE CULTURE WITH YOUR WANTON USE OF THE WORD SLAMPIG. I'M TELLING CLAIRE, YOU MISOGYNIST” . When Chewer finally got to Robert’s, he was no where to be found, and despite searching his apartment top to bottom, couldn't find the money. It was a setup. Robert had alerted the authorities and they were lying in wait for Chewer to arrive. Medford’s finest, Mass State Police, the FBI, and ATFC (alcohol, tobacco, firearms, and consoles) descended upon him in one quick swoop, surrounded him, cuffed him, and threw him in the back of the police car. His reign as the Boston area’s PlayStation kingpin had come to a close. Or had it?


Chewer was driven to a holding cell at the Massachusetts State Police barracks in Danvers. He was able to make one final phone call. This final call was to his brother. He said one word, it was a safe-word they had long ago devised in case the other one was ever in trouble or arrested: BRO. Upon his brother hearing the word, he knew what he had to do; he had to break Chewer out of prison, but how? Chewer’s brother, being an extremely smart well-educated engineer, and Asian, was able to devise an genius appliance to extricate Chewer from the fortified holding cell. He rigged a Chewer’s paintball gun to the disk-drive of a modified PS4, which would spin the paintball gun at a high rate of speed, paintballing all the cars in the police station parking lot, setting off alarms, and distracting all the police officers while he ran in to grab the keys and unlock Chewer’s cell.


Everything went according to plan: Chewer’s brother pulled the RV into the parking lot, parked at just the right angle, and slowly slinked off before anyone could question him. He hit the remote door-lock button which triggered the PS4 to turn on and spray everything in the general vicinity with red paintballs. In one brief second everything become utter chaos. Crown Vics cried-out for mercy. Car alarms yelped. Within seconds, all the officers came running out of the station – they too were hit by the paintballs and knocked to the ground. After 30 seconds the paintball gun’s chamber had emptied and all that remained was bright red carnage. In the post-paintball haze, Chewer’s brother easily snuck into the precinct and was able to unlock Chewer. On the RV drive back to Beverly, Ryan’s brother drove while he stood in the back, surrounded by his precious stock of PlayStation boxes, admiring the empire he had built. It was only then that he had noticed that an errant paintball had befallen him, as well. It hit him during the rush out of the building. He felt the warm ooze of red liquid coming from his stomach. He knew he was done for. The police cruisers quickly spotted the RV and were closing in the background. It was all over. Chewer fell to the floor of the RV, consciousness slowly waning. In his final gasp of breath, he touched the Sony logo on one of the boxes lovingly.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR 2 FAST 2 CHUARIOUS